Stacy was watching an episode of “I Didn’t Know I Was Pregnant” on TLC earlier today and had a bit of a breakdown. If you are unfamiliar with this show, it’s a documentary about women who are unaware that they are pregnant until they go into labor. I don’t know how you don’t realize you’re pregnant until they baby is ready to pop out, but I’m a guy, so what do I know!
What really got to Stacy was that these women, not knowing that they were pregnant, would smoke, drink, do drugs, and not have any prenatal care, but somehow their babies came out perfectly healthy. Then there’s us. We knew we were pregnant both times. Stacy has never smoked, and rarely drinks. She had no known underlying health conditions. She went to all of the prenatal doctor appointments for both pregnancies. She did everything you’re supposed to do to ensure the best health of the fetus. And we still lost Jackson to Trisomy 18 before he was born; and James, well, he has countless issues we’re dealing with.
Stacy was pissed off after watching the show, and I think she has every right to be, doesn’t she? It’s just not fair.
I grew up Methodist, although I haven’t been to church in I don’t know how long. I don’t know if I believe in God, but I do think there is a higher power out there that has a plan for all of us. Maybe this was part of his or her plan, but why? We suffered a terrible loss with Jackson. I can’t even begin to describe the pain and the helplessness we felt knowing that we couldn’t save him. Then we got pregnant with James and prayed for him to be healthy. All of the prenatal ultrasounds and tests said that he was normal. Nope! James is far from normal. He had a stroke before he was born, he has quad cerebral palsy, he has vision and hearing issues, and can’t eat by mouth. He will need around the clock care for the rest of his life, however long that may be.
We’ve been asking ourselves the same questions over and over again. ‘What did we do wrong?’ ‘Why did this happen to us, twice?’ ‘What could we have done differently?’ ‘Are we being punished for something?’
We don’t have the answers to any of those questions. I tried to console her, but I didn’t know what to say. All I could do was hold her and tell her it was okay, even though I didn’t think it was. I felt the same pain and anger that she did. It’s just not fair. I’d like to think that we are good people. So why do bad things happen to good people? We’ve been reminded by many people that everything happens for a reason. But why this? What is the purpose? I’m sure we will be asking questions like these for a long time. And I don’t know if we will ever know the answer. All we can do is just take one day at a time and try to make the best of each day.
